[R]eVoLuTiOn

This Is What He Told Me...

Another chill night with nothing  much to do.. watchin a little TV, having a few drinks..and he begins to tell me about how he intended on  going out.. but his money got fucked up because he had to get his homeboy out of jail.  So I'm like "What the hell? Your homeboy is a grown ass man. He made his bed he has to lay in it. Why should you sacrifice what you have for someone who may not even pay you back?"  He told me that was his right-hand man... they grew up together. They've been through a  lot and held each other down through it all. He had no choice.  Plus, their other man had been shot and killed a few months back so they have to look out for each other by any means.  So I say, "I thought you told me that you was gonna quit this street shit. And here you go doing the same things with the same people and getting the same results.  You dont even WANT a better life do you?"

There was a brief pause.  He looked at me and yelled, "HELL YEAH I WANT A BETTER LIFE! DON'T YOU SEE ME OUT HERE TRYING TO DO THIS SHIT!  IM OUT HERE TRYING TO GET MONEY! THE ONLY NIGGAS IVE SEEN BE SUCCESSFUL ARE THE ONES WHO ARE OUT HERE GETTIN MONEY!! I remember being a little boy, walking to the store for my mom and being amazed when a young black man rode by in a nice car with the newest jays on, bumpin the newest music.  I remember what it was like to look at them, and then look at myself, and feel like I was nothing. I remember the day when someone came up to me and asked me if I wanted to make some money.  Hell, I even remember the first night I came home after being on the streets all day.  As I held that wad of money I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to never be broke again.  Problem is, I only knew ONE way to make money.  See, you had someone there to tell you to work hard, stay in school, and do the right things.  You and your friends graduated, yall going to get money.  Me and my friends, all we do is hustle.  Yeah I want to be successful but I can't do it like yall.  Its too late for me to start back trying to go to school and find a good job.  I have no skills, no diplomas, and no job history.  Im trying to switch over from a street nigga to a legit nigga but it is hard! And it takes a while.  What do you want me to do in the meantime? Starve?  Its hard to teach yourself how to do right when everyone you look up to is a hustler. Its like I have to throw away everything I ever learned how to do and start over.  Its hard out here when you don't know what your next move is going to be, but that's just the things that I have to go through."

I had no response.  He was far from a punk but I could tell that this man was hurting. Shit. What DO we tell the kids that we let slip through the cracks?  If the streets raised you, what options DO you have? If you have no one to lean on for guidance, will you just fall? Are we doing what we can to help our kids maximize their chances for success? Do we care? There are far too many people who can relate to what he told me. Often times, we blame THEM for not reaching their potential when all they may have needed was a helping hand, and a little guidance along the way.

Intervene...Save the Kids... Stop the Cycle...

A note to my friends...

For years I had been lost and unhappy.  Unhappy with myself, my life, and others.  I saw myself as being one of the most ugly human beings that ever walked this Earth.  I thought I wasn't good enough, I walked around with my head down and I doubted myself, missing out on ample opportunities.  You see, I KNOW that my mother loved me, but as a child I do not recall moments where I was told my history, my worth.  I do not recall being told that I was beautiful, that I was a Queen,  but I remember many times being called "fat", "black as hell" and "ugly"..and yes...WORDS CAN HURT YOU and I was scarred.

I felt the need to share this because there just might be another woman out there who has felt or who does feel the same way that I used to...and I would like to let them know...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! You are immaculate and supreme, a deific work of art.  You have a divine purpose in life...without YOU, life would not exist! Please keep your head up and keep your mind healthy...feed yourself with positive and uplifting thoughts and you will go far.  You were made to succeed, just tap into your natural born strength and strive for the best.  No, it will not be easy, but no one said it would be, and if they did, they LIED to you (once again).

I am at a much better place in life now and I would like to let everyone know that you too can be happy with yourselves and at peace! All you have to do is be willing to say "out with the old, and in with the new".  In with the new attitude, new knowledge, new people in your life, new goals, new energy, new aspirations, new thoughts, and NEW ACTIONS...when your outlook ON life changes, your LIFE will change!  This has been an ongoing journey for me but I think I finally found my path! However my trip is FAR from over...everyday is a learning process and I strive for new knowledge on a constant basis...new KNOWLEDGE that I can UNDERSTAND, so that I can turn it into ACTIONS and make WISE decisions... its as simple as 1, 2, 3!!! 

No, I did not come to this epiphany all by myself, there have been many people who have helped me and held my hand throughout this journey...some of them know it and some of them don't so I have to take this time to give props where props are due:  Thank you Momma!!  For giving birth to me and always telling me that I could do anything I set my mind to, and for ALWAYS being there to support me, even when I messed up.  Thank you Tobias..for teaching me my math and helping me dig up what has been inside me all along.  You pointed out a lot of things to me about myself, both good and bad...and I needed that.  Thank you Dorothy...for being an awesome friend and knowing YOURSELF so that your actions could help me to better find MYSELF, whether you tried to or not.  Thank you for being sweet, loving, caring, intelligent, and truthful.  Thank you Miya...u helped me along my journey and you didn't even know it. Thank you for being a strong black woman, a wonderful mother, and a good spirit (and your FB posts have worked wonders for me..u just don't know).  Thank you Fredricka...for being my friend! For listening to me rant, rave, and cry on the phone about my problems...for being with me at my worst times, for all the things you did to help, no matter how small, because those things are what kept me going, and for loving me back as I love you...Thank you Brooklyn...even though we do not talk as much as we used to, you still manage to let me know that you care and that means the world to me; it shows me that true friends really do exist and I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT!! Thank you KB..for all the knoweldge you have shared with me, for playing devil's advocate and making me think.  You actually helped me discover and place a finger on exactly what I want to get out of life.  Thank you Camille...for seeing something in me that I didn't even see in myself, for believing in me and sharing your resources and opportunities with me, I think you are fabulous! Truly an admirable woman! and Thank you Grace...for being a beautiful young lady! In you I see the future...it is for YOU that I strive to do my best and be successful.  It is for YOU that I want to make the world a better place.  I want you to have a good example before you and I promise not to let you down. I love you so much little sis, words cannot even begin to explain!!!

I would like to thank EVERYONE that has EVER made a positive impact or influence in my life!! Even if your name is not listed here PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE TRULY APPRECIATED!!!!

On the Avenues of the Mind

Mirror the real image

Be your true face

Incite the mighty will to heal

See beyond the formation of illusions

Be steady like the cycle of life

Realize to see, understand and be

Formulate with the mind

Mirror the real image

Actualize what you desire and set it free

On this physical plane it will come to be

To doubt yourself 

is the weed that will destroy your wealth

Never beLIEve, come to know

What applied knowledge is

For those that seek to be lost, there is no need to build

Which are you?

The false or the true?

Mirror the real image

Black stone the corner

Rise above the ignorance that seems to have you consumed

Free yourself from that tomb

Fight or flight, be in the darkness or stand in the light

If you refuse to be

Of the power within you will never see 

Rise up and walk kindred

Mirror the real image

Don't concern yourself with the concept of time

On the avenues of the mind...

By Calvin Spencer
Dedicated to Joy Spencer

FRUSTRATION: When a Woman's Fed Up

Frustration comes over me as I sit here and think about you. You fed me words that invoked feeling and emotion; And when I began to seek the actions to back it up, you took me through the motions...but I am starting to think it was all a lie, and I wonder what is truly inside.  I swallowed my pride, and a little piece of me died inside, but it allowed me to give you a try, and you ruined it. You started messing up a little bit, and then a little more, and I threw a fit and then the communication started being a hit and miss and the arguments augmented and I was yelling, "You are not going to treat me like I aint shit!" and the drama persists.  I think it would be best if we just quit, end it.

You see, I am not your average chick.. and for that reason, I must find a man  that I am extremely compatible with. My soul mate.  My other half.  Someone who compliments my style, who is worthwhile, and who makes my light shine brighter. Leaving you alone will not be easy, but I have always been a fighter.

Ok.. perfect opportunity...you are not answering the phone, and I must condone this behavior, and not be the savior of your anger but let it happen. Real talk, if we don't break up soon we will be scrappin'. It is just the frustration that consumes me.. I really think it is best that I let you be...you. And me be me.

I understand that this may be kind of abrupt.. and I never meant to hurt you, just like I promised.. so I will come and see you just one last time to pay homage...to the good days. But when I see you, I am going to remain true.  I will keep it honest and tell you that I cannot stay.  You are crazy. You think that you can take my heart, play, tell me anything, and I should just look the other way or say "ok".

I really hope I gain the wisdom and insight to do this right.  Hold firm to my word and do what's best for me despite my urges to slip back into a routine that could ruin my life.  All these mixed emotions are causing me strife. UGH!! I can't believe I allowed you to get to me and make me feel so uneasy!! The frustration that consumes...

To whom it may concern:

For a long time I was in the dark. I deprived myself of the light that I needed to survive, I stifled my spark, and instead I just got high.  I tried to numb the pain, but when I sobered up, I saw that it was just in vain, but now I know what has been ingrained inside me for so long. I know why I am so strong, it is because I AM...and I was all along.  This sensation of knowing self, is greater than all monetary wealth, it is good for my health, and in it I dwell...I GOTTA go to heaven because I am living in hell. Finding inner peace, to me, meant that I got to maintain my sanity, my membrane expanded you see, and I made myself a better me! Now I live happily, and I build with everyone, from those who deliver babies to those who kill a mother's only sun. Yes, you were right, I AM THE ONE. I am honored to be able to share this sensation, with people like you, in the nation...this collaboration could make a paraplegic jump up in celebration.  

Sincerely,

A Black Queen

Who are you?

If someone asked, "Who are you?", what would be your response? Would you even know what to say? Will you define yourself based on the relationships you hold? The job you have? The accomplishments you made?  Or will you give them the scientific answer?? Will you tell them your species? Will you state your [European] name?  Will you mention where you came from.. I mean, where you are forced to be??  WHO ARE YOU?? Do you know your true ancestry and genealogy or did you just accept the [fake ass] "fact" that you were "discovered" or "brought to the US as slaves".. Did you even question what everyone told you? Did you look it up for yourself? Where was your great, great grandfather born? Do you know? Who was HE? Have you ever tried to find out? Which aspect of civilization did YOUR people invent? What was your original language/dialect? What are your talents? What were THEIR talents? Which ones were passed down to you? Where did you religion come from? Why do you believe? What is the most important part of your culture? What is your favorite aspect of your culture? How do you preserve your culture? What is your history? What role have your people played, historically? WHO ARE YOU? Why do you look like that? Why do you think like this? Why don't you act them? Why don't they like you? Where do you live? Where do you come from.. no, seriously, at the beginning of time.. WHERE WERE YOU?

If you are unable to answer these questions, then you have NO IDEA who you are.  You claim you do.. you claim you are real.. you claim you are your "own person" but all you have really done, is allow everyone else to tell you who THEY think you should be.  You have just been a follower your whole life, waiting for someone to put you where they want you. Waiting for others [who know NOTHING about you] to tell you who you should be.
Take some time out to think.. so that you can know.  Knowledge is Power.  WHO ARE YOU?

Step 1:You must know where you came from, to know where you are going. (Or else you may wind up going around in circles.)

Peace

Queen Black Wisdom

An abandonment without liberation usually is the circumstance

Abstraction seems to be the method of madness that the masculine species use

Ultimately the fullness of her superior origin comes to aid

Resurrection becomes that common sway of existing 

Simply due to the fact that a masculine energy works against, Queen Black Wisdom

Surely that all seeing, knowingly is wise beyond the dome of the physical being

No enslaved mind acknowledges the truth

of Queen Black Wisdom

Leaving only those that are sincere

The ones that embrace openness to continue the process of evolution

In my elevation, mind is the seed that brings about all

Sequences show the actual order, wo-man

Queen Black Wisdom was, and then came man

Mother in nature never needs to be questioned

The answer is obvious to those with an open mind

Queen Black Wisdom, Queen Black Wisdom, Queen Black Wisdom

Author:

Calvin Antonio Spencer

14364-056

Federal Correctional Institution 2

PO Box 1500

Butner, NC 27509

**Free Tony**   

Get used to me...

I have some things to say dammit!! I am about to put myself and my thoughts out there.  Everything I say, I say for a REASON... get used to me! Who knows what may come out of  this blog... I think it, I say it.  Somebody will hear me! My words will resonate with someone, somewhere, and that is all that matters.  I look forward to all the hate that is about to come my way.  You are NOT going to like me because YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!